Social anxiety. It's the absolute pits.

Despite being an extrovert, natural born show off and a people person I suffered with social anxiety for a looooonnnnggggg time. A paradox, right? 

Alcohol helped me take the edge off before (and during) socialising. I would always feel extremely anxious about meeting new people or being in big groups.

It helped me say the things I didn't have the courage to say. Do the things I didn't have the courage to do.

Meetings at work were sheer torture (still are sometimes). Speaking in front of people to be avoided AT ALL COSTS. 

Heart racing, palms sweating, terror, fight or flight, voice quivering, blushing, get me the hell out of here, 'they can tell I am freaking out'. 

Bumping into people unexpectedly used to set me into a blind panic. At one point I would drive to the supermarket over the other side of town as I was so terrified of bumping into someone I knew. 

I used alcohol to mask it.

It would turn my brain off when I was berating myself for being such a f-ing loser that I couldn't handle these situations like a 'normal' person.

It would turn my anxiety off when I was being social and turn me into instead the life and soul of the party, without a care in the world. This was my persona for decades. No one knew that this was how I felt underneath and because I was 'outgoing' I got away with it.

I felt like such a failure. 

But now I realise the booze was making it much, much worse. It was exacerbating things because until I learnt to strengthen that muscle without booze it was never going to get better.

The shame I felt about who I was fundamentally was not going to get better until I gave up drinking and could learn to be proud of myself and like who I am. 

I've noticed that a LOT of people who drink have social anxiety. Turns out, research bears this out with a significant relationship between the two.  

Giving up is not a magic cure. It takes time to deal with social anxiety and occasionally I do have to rely on meds. It's not a perfect process. Sometimes I do feel like I can't face people-ing and it would just be easier to stay home.

But in sobriety I have learned the tools that can help me better regulate my nervous system rather than being stuck in permanent fight or flight. On a hypervigilance autopilot. I am able to return to a sense of safety within my body more easily these days using polyvagal and emotional regulation techniques.

Sources:

Morris, E. P., Stewart, S. H., & Ham, L. S. (2005). The relationship between social anxiety disorder and alcohol use disorders: A critical review. Clinical psychology review, 25(6), 734-760.