The Destructive Cycle of Addiction: When it’s bad but you still can’t give up.
Faye and her sister Melanie (2014) back in her drinking days.
Sometimes life comes and hits you in the face with a smack because, well, that’s just what life does to check you’re still paying attention.
That’s what happened when I stumbled upon this old, anonymous blog post I wrote in 2015 (below). I wrote it after an alcohol fuelled incident that was so mortifying and shameful that I resolved that it ‘really was it this time’.
And guess what? It wasn’t really it this time.
Despite the self loathing that just drips off these words, it was another two years before I got sober.
It hit me because THIS is what alcoholism looks like. Not wanting to do it anymore, but doing it anyway.
Desperate for change, but unable to make it happen. Breaking your promises to yourself - every single day.
Like a hamster on a wheel, round and round. Even when you know.
I feel sad when I read this because I realised how little I valued myself. I hurt myself time and time and time again because I didn’t think I deserved better, because I didn’t know any different, because I thought this was what fun looked like, because this is what I thought life had to be like for me.
And the key here is this: I was waiting for my self esteem to improve so that then I’d have the strength to quit. But it doesn’t work like that.
Your self esteem doesn’t improve by itself when you are self-sabotaging day in day out.
I walked around for decades, avoiding myself, trying to find the missing pieces, trying to fill the void, going to therapy, reading self help books and all the rest. But the answer was right there in front of me, I just didn’t want it to be the answer. Because that would mean facing it all and it would mean I’d have to change. And I didn’t know any other way to operate in the world. It was a terrifying prospect.
Taking away the alcohol and getting sober isn’t easy. But it’s a hell of a lot better than the alternative - a life couched in guilt, shame, unfulfilled potential and fractured relationships. That’s way more terrifying, than putting the booze down.
There is more waiting for you on the other side than you ever thought there could be. You’ll start to like yourself for one thing. You’ll reach an inner contentment eventually, one that has eluded you before. You’ll start to feel like it’s ok to be you, getting comfortable in your own skin.
Take away the booze or the drugs or the casual sex or the gambling and start looking inwards. It will then happen, whether you want it to or not. Like a forcefield; at times overwhelming, at other times relief that you don’t have to pretend anymore.
You will find what you were looking for all along. Yourself.
yeah, yeah, yeah. how many times have we been here before? after a horrible event like the other night … which started out as ‘only a couple of drinks’ with a former work colleague. and ended up in ‘out by myself, met some random blokes, can’t remember how I got home in the early hours of the morning, a wreck, hours lost, barely able to speak, complete mess at work the next day on a few hours sleep, spending the day full of remorse‘.
failing at life, basically.
here i am three days later and still feel physically awful. and let’s face it, it’s not exactly anything new. this has been going on for years, decades to be honest. yes, there’ve been lots of attempts at cutting down and periods when i have given up for a week or a month. there’ve been lot of promises made in the aftermath. there’ve been many stints at sticking to only drinking vodka, lime and soda as wine is what i ‘just get too drunk on’ or trying to pace myself, blah.
and it doesn’t work. none of it works. i’ve been trying for at least 20 years to find a work around. it’s time to face the music.
i have been hiding behind alcohol. i have been living in fear. i have not been my best self. hell, i haven’t even liked myself. i have blamed other people, particularly my alcoholic parents. i have been cloaked in shame and unfulfilled potential and phobias and anxiety and remorse and regret and perfectionism (ironically) and just not really accepting myself one iota.
well i am done with feeling awful about myself. i am not going to make any more false promises about giving up drinking etc. i am going to live in the now. i am going to work every single day on loving and accepting myself. and if that means things change drastically in terms of my drinking as a side note then great. if that means things change drastically in terms of how i let people treat me then great. if that means i stop making poor choices with men and how they treat me then great.
i am not a bad person. in fact, i’m pretty ok. i am a flawed and imperfect individual like every other single person on this planet. but no-one else is ever going to believe i am worth anything if i keep on treating myself with no self respect. i am not going to believe anything if i continue to keep treating myself like i am not.
the bottom line is I DESERVE BETTER. I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. better than writing myself off, better than crappy abusive relationships, better than letting myself get unhealthy and overweight, better than phobias and constant anxiety, better than fearing everything and everyone, better than staying small, better than my childhood, better than all the hurt and the pain and the staying stuck. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
and the only one who can do a damned thing about it is me.
