I’m sober, so why do I feel sad?
I'm a big fan of the 'focus on what you're gaining' approach when it comes to sobriety. It was a huge factor in making it stick, finally, for me.
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But I also remember when I would get pangs of loss, it would somehow feel like I was doing sobriety wrong. Or that it meant a relapse was imminent.
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And, honestly, if you're in sober communities on Insta or other places, you do hear a lot of sunshine and rainbows.
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But, our emotions are there for a reason. It is ok to miss certain things about your drinking sometimes. For me, it's always the bloody beer garden on a sunny day, or a drunken dinner party. It can be the friendships, the cigarettes outside on the deck, the anticipation of a big night out.
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It took a while to realise that missing these elements, and parts of my old life (although by the time I gave up there wasn't actually any enjoyment left in it) was a normal part of the grieving process and coming to a state of acceptance.
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It's ok. Big changes in our lives, mean loss of some kind, pretty much always.
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We can hold excitement for our new life journey, and some grief for the loss of the old at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. And yes it can happen even when you know it's the right choice (I liken it to a toxic ex, it can still hurt when you let go).
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It can also be part of PAWS (I’ll write another blog on this).
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Don’t worry, you're not doing anything wrong. It's part of the process for so many of us. It will pass.
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It’s ok to miss things you know are not good for you. Don’t take that as a sign to invite it back into your life. Be with your grief, feel the loss. Accept you may get glimpses from time to time.
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Then, when it has passed, turn your attention back to all the amazing, life-changing things you’re gaining in sobriety.
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