Why 'progress not perfection' works to support lasting change
There’s an ethos that's been incredibly helpful to me on my sober journey, and more broadly in life - 'progress not perfection' - and I find really important in making changes that stick.
One thing I see amongst almost all my clients is that they're extremely hard on themselves; they're perfectionists and their inner critic game is really strong. I very much identify with this too.
They want to achieve allllll the things - stopping drinking (or taking a break), getting fit, overhauling their diet, maybe stopping smoking if that's in the mix, being more organised or productive, improving their relationships, stop working as much - and quite possibly a whole raft of other things. And they want to do it all at once.
And I get it; we want to be 'fixed', to be our best selves, the more sparkly version of ourselves that we know we can be.
But, here's the rub: while that's really admirable, it doesn't work.
We are setting ourselves up for failure when we add too many things that we want to change in the mix at once. Because it becomes too hard, too overwhelming and we give up.
Of course we do, behavioural change is hard. Willpower alone doesn't cut it. Don't just take my word for it, the research shows this time and again too.
As my old psychologist said to me with affection, "Faye, if you wait until you're 'fixed' before you do the things you want to do, you'll be in the retirement home!". I laughed. She was right. We're all a work in progress and I don't think we ever reach a nirvana-like state where we're 'fixed'.
So here's what psychology and behavioural science tells us does work in making changes:
👉 Establish the biggest thing you'd like to change and focus on that. Forget the rest for the moment. So, if for you that's alcohol, then just focus on changing that habit. You can tackle the other things later (and some might even come as a bi-product of removing alcohol anyway, e.g. weight loss). But keep your focus on ONE area.
👉 Breaking it down. If you're a fan of the amazing Atomic Habits book by James Clear you'll be familiar with this. Start with baby steps. Teeny tiny ones if you need to. You don't need to have the whole plan figured out.
This might be something super simple like making sure there's no alcohol in the house a few times a week. Or it could be deciding a few nights a week you are going to drive home a different way instead of past the bottle shop.
👉 Self-compassion. Look, if beating ourselves up worked we'd be doing alllll the things by now wouldn't we? We'd be super fit, bodies like temples, no bad habits etc. It doesn't. It makes us feel sh*tty and just drives us back to the thing that makes us feel ok again (temporarily) -and for many of us that’s booze.
Beating ourselves up and perfectionism is an entrenched lifetime habit and takes daily action to actively start unlearning. Start today by just noticing when you talk negatively to yourself - can you start to counter that talk?
👉 Know that willpower is finite and on its own simply doesn't work. It's not a personal failing, it's scientific fact. Our willpower runs out. You'll need a number of things in place to make lasting change, especially with something like alcohol which is so pervasive in many areas of our lives.
👉 Celebrate the wins, no matter how small. Say you have been drinking 7 nights a week, and you've cut back to 4. That's still a win. That's still a big improvement. Look at you go, you badass! 💫
Instead of chastising yourself for still drinking 4 nights a week, flip it, and give yourself a high five for the progress that you have made. When we can see what's possible in one area of our lives, we then get excited and believe that we might be able to do this in other areas too :)
That's why PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION is such a great mantra. It recognises that none of us can achieve perfection.
Not your psychologist, your highly successful mate, or the influencer you follow on Instagram. None of us.
It moves our focus on to what we can do, and not what we can't do (yet) rather than lapsing into a heap of 'it's all too hard' or 'I'm such a failure'. We're all human beings that make mistakes, who aren't going to get it right every time, and it helps us recognise that improvement is still improvement.
No matter how small, it's a step in the direction that you want to go.
And that, my friend, is a new habit really worth cultivating. 🕺💃
To find out more about Grey Area Drinking coaching: https://www.fayelawrence.com.au/coaching
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